Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Needed a Break to Restore and Renew

Sunshine Outside...But Still Raining on the Inside
I have not written for almost a month give or take a few days. I've left my camera in the bag, untouched, for much longer than the artist within me demands. I have almost destroyed my new wireless keyboard/mouse along with my old desk in the throes of anger and sorrow mixed with such hopelessness of succeeding in the endeavor I've embarked upon this year...Of facing my fears and learning to have courage in every aspect of my life no matter what this life hands me.
I must learn to control the grief that overwhelms me, because it is destroying me from the inside out.
I vowed to be honest and upfront in this journey towards courage and learning more about my passion for photography.
A few weeks ago, I failed miserably, and I am taking the opportunity to admit that I lost it...I chose to lay down and surrender to the overwhelming grief that floods my soul every day that I live.
But, I must learn that to have true courage and become successful in learning to live again....I have to be completely honest with myself and others.
I am human, humans make mistakes and humans fail....but instead of making excuses for their failures, they should learn from their mistakes. Some even have the courage to admit that failing at something made them stronger and taught them that even though failure may seem to be the only sure thing in their future...the future can be changed if one learns from those mistakes and allow the mistakes to make them a better person.
I'm not saying that I am a better person from the multitude of mistakes I've made, but I have learned many lessons from those mistakes, and usually I don't make the same mistake twice....but sometimes I do...and that is honesty.
I know this probably is my usual post-midnight rambling, but I felt I had to write something or I might never write again...and in my mind alone that took just a wee bit of write about my struggles to maintain my commitment to learn courage and get past this bout of writer/photographer block I am going through in this wave of intense grief over the death of my only beloved son whom our family loved so much it makes our hearts feel blistered with the white-hot searing pain of his loss.
I know I speak of this too much. So many people tell me I need to move on, but how can one move on when one is stuck in the depths of despair day after day.
I must get beyond the depths of despair if I am going to learn to live again in honor of our son, William Vincent Alexander Reynolds, but also to be able to be the wife my husband remembers before that tragic accident, and the mother my beautiful daughter, Charlotte, was used to having before William went missing and we found him in such a devastating way.
I am trying to relate to people like I used to.....all people... and admitting my fear of being around people, to me, is a step towards overcoming that fear.
It's just that my heart's desire is to take things back to the time before the accident that changed our lives forever...but, alas, I know that will never happen here on earth.
So tomorrow, I vow to write something meaningful about nothing relating to what has happened in our family's lives. It means not writing about my son and that will break my heart....because for me to write about him....seems to keep him with me...but I have vowed to keep my feelings about my son out of the next post tomorrow....It will be a very hard endeavor, but one which I must embrace or die trying.
I think this is what going "through" grief is, because one never "gets over" such a tragic loss.
So for tomorrow....Well we actually already are in tomorrow since it's 1:15 a.m, yet, I still vow to try my hardest, not to mention our family's grief in any way in the next post....maybe not even mention courage...but try to write about something interesting and maybe even happy ~ can it be done??? Can I really do it???
I shall have to re-read the next entry as usual before posting after I write it to see if I succeed in the goal for my next post, because a lot of times when I'm writing, I'm not really thinking...the words just come and I have to read over it later to make sure it even makes sense.
Now this is truth.
This is honesty.


  1. wow Susan. I think you have a LOT of courage to be honest. I think it's the only way to truly relate in this life. Your pain breaks my heart but also encourages me as you are showing hope in within the pain. I will be "crying out to Jesus" for you-there's no better hope than in His love. And I know He's listening to both of us. Thanks for sharing these posts.

  2. Dear Jen,
    Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and your prayers. I tried to reply to your comment on the SOAR Forum, but it wouldn't allow me to.
    I'm starting a new twist in my blog today...a 21 day journey to see if it's true that you can make or break a habit in 21 days. I'm hoping it will bring a little humor into my writing...a little more diversity. We'll see what happens.Thanks again for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment! That always makes my heart smile when someone does that! :)