Friday, February 19, 2010

Facing Reality...COURAGE (R = REALITY)

I need to clarify something about the
previous post. I am not looking for
sympathy or pity...almost everyone has
suffered a loss of some kind in their
lives. The object of my last post was
having the courage to face the
photograph that gave proof
of the REALITY of my own heartbreak
and how I am learning to face
it and in the process try to understand
how to live again...despite my heartbreak.
It has been a long 4+ years...and
the process will take many more.
I'm not giving up on life...just giving in
enough to allow myself to really feel the 
hurt and to process the pain, so that
eventually healing can come.
So now that I come to think of it,
after an email from another mother
that lost her word for
the letter R in COURAGE would have
to be REALITY...learning to face the
REALITY of that photo and the
REALITY of that tragic accident that
took away our only beloved son.
I must face REALITY instead of trying
to hide from it if I shall ever gain
Facing this REALITY has put me
under for almost three weeks. It is
truly a long, hard journey...down
this road called grief.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

My Soul Is Crushed Within Me R = Reality

I know this is a photography
blog that is supposed to be a journey
towards have not
made a u-turn...I have stopped to
face the pain that is crushing the
very life out of me right now...
I can do nothing more courageous
right now than face this horrendous
reality that William is truly gone...
He is gone from us on this earth.
It is that fatal Reality and awfulness
of it all that I must face and will not ease
the pain of losing my son...
but I will know that I had the courage
to look at this newspaper photo...
They never let me actually see the car...
Facing this photo is surely a
journey on the road to courage.
How could this be all that was
left of the car you were driving...
after they pulled it out of eight
feet of icy cold water at the
bottom of that ravine?
Your dad saw the car a few
days later and said it couldn't
even be recognized as a Camaro
because it was so crushed and
the top had been cut off to get
you out of the car...I can't even
begin to imagine your suffering
my own little precious son...
Dear God...Oh Dear God...
I wish this had never happened...
They wouldn't let your Dad or me
anywhere near the site and
we needed to be there...we
needed to help get our baby out...
but they wouldn't let us anywere
that was close to you.
The death-grip settled upon
our shocked hearts so tightly
as we waited hours for news
whether it was you or not...
Surely it couldn't be...yet
in our hearts the fear was
overpowering, suffocating us.
And then we heard word
for sure that you were
positively identified...
No...not my baby...not my
Sweet William...No...No...No...
You were too young to die,
especially in such an awful
tragic way...There had to
be some kind of mistake...
But there wasn' was our son.
It was you, our Sweet William...
Today 4 years, 2 months & 16 days
later from the day you went
missing while on your way to
work early on that stormy morning
December 2, 2005...and now
the pain rushes back with the
intensity of a raging unexpected
flash-flood that strikes out of
no where...the memories from that
freezing long night of waiting
for the dive team & rescue workers
to pull the car up to see what
was there...finality...after 4 long
heart-wrenching days
of searching with hundreds
of family & friends, detectives,
the CHP and helicopters...
for our only beloved son...
CalTrans workers, finally found
pieces of a blue car strewn
down the ravine....
after waiting to hear...while they 
wouldn't let us near the scene...
it was almost 4 hours later...
that we found out that for sure
on that awful night of Dec 5, 2005.
Dear God my heart hurts so badly
tonight...I am alone with only the
memories and pain of it all &
it is just crushing the very
life-breath out of me tonight.
I feel that I just cannot bear it...
yet I must face this horrific
pain and learn to be courageous
through it....I must learn to fight
the tendencies to hide-away in my
bed to numb my mind from
the shattering reality.
My only son...
I miss you so much...the pain
inside of me is unbearable...
It is smothering me....even now,
4 years, 2 months & 16 days later.
Yet I must learn to live with
this for the rest of my life...
Even when I still cannot believe
that horrible accident really
happened...This News 10 photo
proves it...and the articles &
televised news of the days you
were missing and with the
searching and rescue four days
later...four days too late to help...
If I seek beauty in the world
around me through my
photography....I must first
face the brutal reality
of this photograph...
because not all photography
tells a story of beauty or happiness.
Some photographs tell us
the story of tragedy & loss
such as the people of Haiti
face right now.
I must remember that
photography has no inhibitions...
it bypasses the restraints 
of speech...especially when
mere words cannot convey
what is felt in the heart.
Photography has no language speaks the same
language in every country of 
the preserve
for posterity, what has
happened in the world...
it records events that change
the lives of people everywhere....
Yet even though, I am facing
this photo of your tragedy,
I cannot believe you are really
truly gone from heart
won't believe still seems
you are just away on a
road trip on your street bike...
But I look out on the
back patio and there is your
bike and I weep and the
pain inside of me is unbearable...
We were such a close knit family...
like Charlotte told me the other
day...we had the perfect family
and then the accident had to
happen and ruined it all...
What are we going to do
without you Will??? Without
your radiant smile and your
crazy dances and your jokes
and just your being YOU???
Oh my dear God....
I can't do is too hard...
the they are
nightmares...are too real...
then I wake up and you are
not here in your bed...
it is empty...your room is still
and silent...the drums and
bass guitar...the keyboard lay
still and untouched just like
you left them...oh the
silence hurts....sometimes I just
go and lay on your bed and
weep as my mother's heart sees
 your silent instruments
and the silence is crushing...
My mother's heart is breaking
inside of me...I love you my
lil brown boy...from the day I
first new I was with child....
I've loved you so very much and
I miss you with my whole soul...
I can never, ever be the same
again...because a large part
of me died with you on that
awful dreaded tragic night
when you were finally found...
There is a hole in my heart
that is just your shape...
Oh my baby boy....what I
wouldn't give to have you back
again alive and whole and
safe and sound....why????
But I cannot question the
Almighty can heart is
just hurting...Do I dare to
put a question mark where
the Almighty God put a period?
I need answers, but they won't
come here on earth & when we
finally get to heaven, it won't
matter anymore. But for now,
I only want to hold
my lil brown boy in my arms
again and get another one of
your giant "boy-hugs" again...
you were so big and strong....
dear God how I miss
you my sweet William....
Forever loving you...
Forever missing your
smile and laughter
until we meet in heaven
once again....but, until then..
You are Forever in my Heart!
Always Loving You...Mumsy
xoxo to heaven
P.S. I'm trying to get back to
learning how to live again,
William...trying to pick up
the pieces and begin again,
because I know that's what you
would want me to's what
you would never let
anything get you were
always so happy and optimistic... I am, facing this photo
of my loss...and
asking God to help me be
courageous enough to begin
to learn to live again...yes,
in honor of you my precious son,
but also for your Dad and your
"big, little" sister, Charlotte...
They don't need any more tragedy
in their Dad needs
his wife back...and Charlotte
needs her mother back.
I love our little family so much...
I wish you were here...but
until then...I'll face my heartbreak
and learn from this how to
live again.
(This is our family's secret texting code for
I love you tons & bunches forever & ever.)
So, yes, true COURAGE for me is facing REALITY.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Rest Stop

I must take a break from courage....
One really cannot do that, I know,
I'm not making a U-Turn and going
the other direction...I'm just stopping
at a much needed  "rest-stop"
along the way. I've been burning
the candle (or the log) at both
ends and I just feel used up.
My soul is weary beyond belief...
the cares of life are overwhelming
me, the grief has flooded up again
and there is no strength today
to least not right now.
Giving up is not an choice.
Breaking down is out of the
question. Giving in is not an
option. I may have stopped
to rest a while and re-fuel
for the grueling journey ahead,
but I have not given up...
I'm just too tired right now
to press on...more later.

Friday, February 05, 2010

What Do U Do With a U When U Are Afraid To Be Looked AT?

What Do U Do With a U
When You're Afraid Others
Might See You Fail???
What Do U Do With a U
When it seems evil eyes are all
around waiting for U to mess up?
It's time to take the letter U out of
courage and see what can be attributed
to this letter that has anything to do
with courage. I've thought long & hard,
scoured the dictionary thoroughly &
found quite a lot of words that could
fit. But, which one will best fit my
journey to finding courage?
It's's three little letters
I need to learn to USE the gifts that God
has given me. I need to believe that He
gave special talents to me for me to USE
& not 'hide them in the earth' so to speak.
I need to understand & believe that I am
unique as an individual with a special
 purpose in life that no one else can fulfill. 
I need to realize that it is ultimately up to
 me to make use of these gifts, to learn not
 to care who is watching & waiting for 
me to fail, because those type of people
will always be out there, so I must  
learn to overcome my fear of failure, 
& put myself out there leaning on the
unfailing arms of my Heavenly Father
to keep me from falling....I must learn
to believe in what God entrusted 
to me...I need to USE the gifts that 
He so willingly bestowed upon me. 
My past does not cannot 
make me fail unless I allow it to.
For the first time in my life, I feel the
urgency in my soul to truly USE every
talent, every gift that God has given me.
"To not use the talent that God
has given us is to abuse it."
Quote © 2009 Susan Reynolds
So for me it will indeed be a journey
towards courage while learning 
every day to use the gifts that I have
been so graciously blessed with. 
I need to quit being afraid of who
might be watching and just USE it!
So Look All U Want...
Stare Me down...but I won't
back down. Why?
Because I will be USING the
courage God is building in me.
© 2010 Susan Reynolds
The Digital Artist


Thursday, February 04, 2010

Taking The "O" Out Of Courage

Taking the "O" out of Courage
Using the letter "O" from the word
courage took me a bit of time.
I had to submit to the C=Conquer so
many times in the past few weeks,
that I lost sight of almost everything
else....So, now, I am back...gaining
momentum & picking up where
I left off on my quest for courage
through the study of each letter that
makes up the word
Yes, it is a hyphenated word, and
folks may wonder what in the world
One-Way has to do with courage,
but I feel that it best fit my take for
the letter O. In the dictionary,
One-Way means:
a. moving or allowing movement in one
direction only (such as a one-way street)
b. valid for travel in one direction only
(as in a one-way ticket)
c. not intended for return
(as in an object not intended to return
to the giver/seller/dealer)
I chose "ONE-WAY" instead of words
like overcome, optimism, opportunity,
because for me this year HAS TO BE
a "ONE-WAY" JOURNEY on the road
of learning to have courage.
I can't take the ground I've gained
thus far and "Return To Sender"
because that would give the enemy
of my very soul the victory.
The road to courage is indeed a
One-Way ticket & there is
no turning back at all if I am
to reach my destination called
courage...I must
stay on the One-Way street.
I've made the U-Turn that was
necessary to get me going back in
the right direction. Now that I am on
that "One-Way" Street to courage,
I cannot allow obstacles to stand
in my way...I must overcome them
one at a time. I must embrace
this new opportunity to become
more open with not
become obscure & obsolete,
trying to hide myself when the
physical pain or heartbreak is just
too much to bear. Why???
Because in this world, just a small
word of encouragement or one act of
kindness has the ability to change the
outlook for someone going through
a hard time. It may be someone I do
not even know. So by coming out in
the open to share my "One-Way"
journey to find courage, it is my
hope & prayer to reach out &
touch the lives of others...that they,
too, may find hope, healing, and
help in the time of need.