Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Light Of Love Brings Hope Beyond The Grave

When one holds up their candle high enough to share
their bit of light with others and we all join in together
to hold high our own candles of loving memories with
other bereaved parents, the resplendent glow of our love
shines through those candles that represents the power
of love that lives beyond he grave, rendering the dark,
obscure corners of our heartache and mourning into places
of refuge and rest on our journey
down this road called grief.
Sharing our experiences (our light) causes others to
find their way illuminated with hope where the pathway
was once somber and filled with the darkness of despair.
No, the grief we feel of losing our loved one will
not dissipate overnight or even over the years,
but with the comfort and encouragement of others
we walk with on this journey called grief, we will all
feel the strength to carry the torch of consolation
and faith to the newly bereaved while giving our hands
and hearts in friendship at the same time.
So, let us all lift our candles of memory higher to
thwart and drive away the darkness that threatens to
overwhelm the hearts of bereaved families...
Let us offer instead glowing, radiant hope of
relief which we can all be encouraged by instead
of hiding our light under a bushel like
I've been so guilty of doing.
May God forgive me and change my heart way
down in the very depths of its
the deepest parts of my spirit and my own
bruised and broken heart so that I can find my
way to lead another to the light of His Love,
His Grace and His Comfort...I am finally
learning to trust my Heavenly Father like I've
never done before...and raising my candle of hope
is my first step towards the Father of all Lights
because I know now that no matter what happens
on this earth, that....
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from
above, and cometh down from the Father of
lights, with whom is no variableness,
neither shadow of turning." James 1:7 (KJV)
Yes, unpleasant things, even bad and hurtful
things may happen in our lives, but we have an
Ebenezer...a rock of help, a stone that is raised to
commemorate a victory....a fortress and a strong
arm of deliverance that belongs to the
Almighty God whom we call our Father.
Yes, we will be sad, we will miss our loved
one...our child, or parents...our relatives and friends
that have gone on before us...but by holding the
light of their memories high enough to share with
others, we can all walk in that luminous glow of
their life-song each and every day.
Yes, stormy days will come, but look for the beauty in
the midst of the out the colors of God's
creation as the storm clouds gather overhead.
This photo was taken in South Lake Tahoe and within
the hour it was a swirling blizzard of snow that came
down in all it's furry, covering the delightful
fall colors I was able to capture in  one of my beloved
"Moments of Time"...but even after the snow storm
(representing the storms of life)
had calmed and quiet reigned once more in the forest, 
there was a new and ethereal beauty to behold...
My friend, each storm of life, may feel like it takes 
everything out of you, sapping you of every ounce 
of strength...but that's when we must say...
"I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence
cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD,
which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer
thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee
will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel
shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is
thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon
thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by
day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve
thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
The LORD shall preserve thy going out and
thy coming in from this time forth, and even
for evermore." Psalms 121  (KJV)
Treasure each moment...reach out and take the hand
of someone who may be struggling along the way..
have them look around at the beauty of God's
creation, because even though our heart may be
broken and seem beyond repair...God is there, waiting
for you to hand the pieces to him so He can make
from your broken heart, a beautiful
mosaic of beauty and love.
© Susan Reynolds
The Digital Artist

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Is It Wrong To Want It All Back?

No photo except the photo
from Tye Tribbett's Victory album
I found on line...I own no rights to
the song or photo and I do not
know who to give credit to for the photo,
except that it says Kingdom University Presents:
 I found this song on my daughter's 
Facebook page and it says in 
 his song so exactly what
I feel in my heart...Please click on the
red link below to hear the words. 
I couldn't figure out how to add the actual
YouTube video on here, so....I posted
a link to the song below in red. I WANT IT ALL BACK!

Here is a song...a post so very far from my norm,
but it says everything I've been screaming out
from the depths of my being for almost 5
years now...though I try to say it nicely,
calmly, rationally and peacefully for
the most part.
It's time to get radical just like this
song says: compliments of
Gospel TV on YouTube:
If you listen to the words it says it all for
me right now when my own words are just
coming out in an anguished moan
because I'm so worn out from screaming
this on the inside...
~ Please click on the link below ~
Come on
If you want it all back jump to your feet right now
For the kingdom suffers violence
But the violent taketh it by force
Lets go
We're gonna take it back
Somebody scream
I want it all back
I want it all back
I want it all back
I want it all back
You may have though you won that last round
You may have laughed (cuz) I almost fell down
Maybe you think I give up easy
But it's not over I got more in me
You thought I stopped you thought I sat down
But I am standing you made me mad now
You got somethings I think you owe me
I've come to get back everything that you stole
I want it all back
I want it all back
I want it all back
I want it all back
You hit me hard I should be knocked out
Things I've been through
don't even wanna talk about
You crossed the line (this time)
You violated me
I want revenge
(I want everything back from) A to Z
The battles not mine the battle is the Lord's
In the name of Jesus I'm taking it by force
I want it all back
I want it all back
I want it all back
I want it all back
I want it all back
I want it all back
I want it all back
I want it all back
If you only knew what I was gonna be
after the storm you wouldn't
have even bothered
Devil if you only knew what I was

gonna be after the storm you
wouldn't have even bothered
Devil if you only knew what I was
 gonna be after the storm you
wouldn't have even bothered
Devil if you only knew what I was
 gonna be after the storm
You wouldn't have even bothered me
(But now i'm) stronger
(And I got more) power
(I'm a little bit) wiser
(And I got more) strength
(I got the) anointing
(Got God's) favor
(And we're still) standing
I want it all back
(Man give me my stuff back)
Give me my stuff back
Give me my stuff
Give me my stuff back
I want it all
Give me my stuff back
Give me my stuff
Give me my stuff back
I want it all
I want that
I want that
I want that
I want that
What about your family and all your
self-esteem even your destiny? (I want that)
What about the joy you tasted & the time you
wasted do you want it back? (I want that)
What about your place in God & all your faith
in God even the ways of God (I want that)
What about your hopes & dreams & your
communities even your kids & teens? (I want that)
I want that
I want that
I want that
I want that
What about your family and all your
self-esteem even your destiny? (I want that)
What about the joy you tasted & the time

you wasted do you want it back? (I want that)
What about your place in God & all your
faith in God even the ways of God (I want that)
What about your hopes & dreams & your

communities even your kids & teens? (I want that)
I want that
Want that
Want that
Want that
I want it all back!

Friday, October 01, 2010

The Color Of Courage

~ RED ~
A simple yet utterly profound quote leads
 me into this new day:
“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”
~Lucius Annaeus Seneca~
I made a choice recently to try to 
 learn to "Live in Color" and
now I will add that for me...the color that
represents life and courage is
the color
~ RED ~
Our life's blood that allows us to live is
 ~ RED ~
The color of the blood which our
Creator shed that we might live
eternally was
~ RED ~
Therefore, to me, the color of life
and the
courage to just live is...
~ RED ~

This color brings me to this song by
"Beauty From Pain"

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but i feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, they'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And they'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, they'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And they'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am, at the end of me
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, they'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And they'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

William Vincent Alexander Reynolds: My Only Beloved Son

Settembre 29, 2010 ~ La mia preghiera il giorno dopo quello che sarebbe stato il 24esimo compleanno di mio figlio unico amato, William Alexander Vincent Reynolds

Oggi, la chiave è stata trovata. Oggi, il blocco è stato aperto. Oggi è una epifania nella mia vita.

Caro Dio, mio Padre Celeste,

L'anima di me si sente come se si è strappato e fatto a pezzi. Non ho più nulla da offrire, nulla da dare. Non so più cosa fare. Io non so come agire più. Non riesco a capire le cose che accadono nella vita, non riesco a capire perchè le cose accadono in un certo modo. Io voglio credere. Ho sempre creduto da quando ero una bambina piccola piccola ... ma ora credere non è facile come un tempo. La mia fede è scossa ... scosso da non credere. Mentre la mia mente dice che non c'è rimasto niente in cui credere, ancora il mio cuore dice.

Si prega di trasformare il mio cuore, trasformare la mia mente, trasformano la mia anima, di trasformare il mio spirito ... in modo che io possa credere una volta di più come ho fatto tanto tempo fa ... in modo che io possa avere la fede di un bambino piccolo, ancora una volta. Dico con tutto il mio cuore e significa che dal profondo della mia anima...

Lo ti amo e io affermo con forza dalla tua parola scritta che mi piace ... più di quanto abbia mai sognato e più di quanto abbia mai immaginato possibile.

Lo sono convinto che vi piacerà e proteggere me più di quanto ho cercato di amare e proteggere i miei figli ... e solo io so quanto sia forte l'amore e il desiderio di proteggere i miei figli è stato e continuerà sempre ad essere.Oggi, faccio la decisione di fiducia che con tutto il mio cuore completamente e pienamente, senza esclusione di colpi.

Con il vostro aiuto, sto cambiando il mio modo di pensare a te come mio Dio e mio padre celeste. Non voglio più guardare su di voi come un uomo di media età che si diverte a torturare crudelmente e che causano sofferenza verso la nostra famiglia ... verso di me.

Imparerò ad avere fiducia che mi vuoi bene ... che vi preoccupate per me ... che il vostro desiderio è quello di proteggere e portare me nella creazione che hai visto nella tua mente quando mi hai creato, quando non hai risposto di mia madre preghiera che sarei nato morto. Io credo che si dispone di un piano per me ... che le cose che ho sofferto per tutta la mia vita sono solo che portano al bene che hai preparato per la mia famiglia e per me.

Lo confido nel tuo amore. Io credo con grande speranza, che si completerà in me la trasformazione è stato avviato il giorno che è stato concepito ... non importa cosa succede. Dichiaro di oggi ... il giorno dopo il compleanno di mio figlio unico amato ... anche se non capisco il tuo ragionamento per portarlo da noi in un modo così orribile e tragica, così all'improvviso ... io credo ancora.

Io credo che hai un piano per me. Un piano per prosperare me e non fare del male a me. Un piano di darmi una speranza e un futuro invece di una vita piena di dolore, la disperazione e la profondità della depressione.

Lo voglio e io credo in te ... credo che tu sia un padre amorevole e attento e che si desidera ciò che è meglio per me ... che questo piano si dispone per la mia vita è buona.

Che questo piano è uno di portare onore e gloria al tuo nome ... al tuo regno ... che gli altri possono vedere il lavoro che hai fatto nella mia vita e utilizzarlo trasformare la vita di coloro che vengo a contatto. Non voglio solo dire queste parole dal mio cuore spezzato e distrutto, ma ho anche scriverle come prova che posso leggere più e più volte quando mi sento la disperazione mi coprono con una nuvola nera di disperazione e tristezza, quando sono tentato di ricadere nella vita di incredulità ...

Da questo giorno in avanti cercherò di imparare ad avere fiducia in te completamente ... a studiare la vostra parola fedelmente ogni giorno, e impegnarsi a memoria ... per trascorrere il tempo in tutto, ogni giorno, nel culto di preghiera e di adorazione ... per amarti. .. a nutrire la vostra attenzione e credo in te così completamente che non metterà in dubbio la tua volontà o le vostre vie più a lungo, ma vivere nella fede che si sa cosa è meglio per me.

Io credo che i tuoi progetti per me sono perfette per i doni che hai dato a me. Credo che lei mi aiuterà a completare e perfezionare i talenti che così graziosamente elargito su di me.

Vi chiedo perdono, caro Padre, vi imploro il vostro perdono. Io ora accettano la colpa piena per le scelte che ho fatto. Confesso i miei molti peccati, la mia incredulità, la mia cattiva volontà verso gli altri che hanno mentito su mio figlio quando era mancante ... che hanno mentito su di lui anche dopo che hanno scoperto che era morto anche dopo aver scoperto dai test tossicologici ufficiale che ha era innocente.

Vi chiedo perdono, caro Gesù, dalla mia rabbia e amarezza per l'atteggiamento velenoso che ho inflitto la mia famiglia e tutti quelli intorno a me. Ti prometto da questo giorno in avanti per iniziare una nuova prospettiva di vita ... una vita di fede e di fiducia in te, mio padre celeste. Ancora una volta ... io confesso il peccato di cercare di finire la mia vita ... anche di pensare a lui ancora dopo che ho promesso alla mia famiglia che io non lo rifarei ... perdonatemi per favore e per sempre prendere questi sentimenti terribili da me.

Mi perdoni, anche se io non lo merito ... si perdona per prendere il tuo nome invano, per le cose maledicendo e bere non ho mai fatto prima e la promessa di non farlo di nuovo.

Contribuire a trovare una famiglia della chiesa, ancora una volta ... in grado di stare tranquillo in giro la gente e tornare a voi onorare attraverso mantenere il giorno di sabato santo e frequentando la casa di Dio per il culto e l'onore di te ... per consentire la mia fede per crescere e possono essere usate di voi in modi che non ho mai creduto o addirittura sognato sarebbe possibile.

Insegnare me per raggiungere le altre persone male, perché so ciò che vuole fare del male così male e si sentono senza speranza ... mi aiutano a offrire loro la speranza e aiuto e la fede in te in modo che possano diventare un figlio di Dio e si sentono la tua vita e la speranza di dare così liberamente.

Aiuto a me caro a Dio si prega di tenere queste cose le ho scritto vicino al mio cuore e non scivolare o variare dal percorso che ho commesso e si è impegnato a camminare. Aiutami a mantenere questo patto l'ho fatto con te, mia molto personale Padre celeste ... a voi che mi amano più di quanto io abbia mai amato mio marito oi miei figli e sanno solo che l'amore è grande.

Aiutami a non mantenere questo patto per dovere, ma per amore e convinzione che mi ami ... mi hai creato per una ragione specifica ... e tu mi hai dato un motivo particolare ed esplicito per una vita e mi ha dato con talenti e doni che nessun altro è stato dato ... e che mi aiuterà a perfezionare quei doni e talenti per portare gloria e onore al proprio nome.

Ti amo Gesù con tutto il mio cuore e l'anima e la mente e forza, con tutta la mia vita e l'essere e voglio che questo amore per trasformare in me la persona che significava per me essere. Prego che questa sarà una giornata epica della mia vita, un'epifania, che io proclamo che oggi hanno scoperto il avvolta
visione. E la luce nella mia vita ... che oggi segnerà non solo un semplice cambiamento, ma una improvvisa intuizione il vero significato della vita e della salvezza che cosa significa veramente.

Aiutami ad onorare in tutto ciò che faccio e che mi aiutano ad affermare e mantenere questo giuramento per sempre ... lasciate che la mia parola d'onore da quella che si può la fiducia e contribuire a mai, mai rompere le promesse che ho fatto oggi.

Io sono per sempre tua figlia ... ti amerò per sempre ... ti servirò per sempre e credo che tu mi ami più di quanto avrei potuto mai creduto possibile.

Vi do la mia parola d'onore, il mio padre celeste .... ma più di tutto, prego che mi darai la forza per mantenere questi voti a te, perché sei degno. Ti amo, Gesù, con tutto il mio cuore e l'anima e la mente e la forza.

Sono ammettere che io ora credo con tutto il mio cuore che io sono davvero tua figlia che ti ama e crede in voi e che ora si fida completamente di tutto nella mia vita ... anche con ciò che è rimasto della mia famiglia .. . mio marito e mia figlia ... mi fido di te con tutto ciò che ho mai avuto ... anche la vita di mio figlio ... Ho posto la sua vita e la morte nelle vostre mani di amore e di misericordia. Io do il mio figlio, mia figlia, mio marito ed io completamente oltre a te, Padre celeste.

Io ora ammettono con il mio cuore e whol che ti amo e credo in voi e la fiducia in te completamente, senza condizioni, e fino alla fine della mia vita ... ogni volta che si è scelto questa data per essere ... ma fino a quel giorno di la fine della mia vita arriva, prometto di nutrire questa vita che mi hai dato ... per lo sviluppo e la scuola i doni ei talenti hai dato a me, che avrei potuto usare questi doni e talenti per portare onore e gloria al vostro nome ... per portare aiuto e la guarigione a tutte le altre persone intorno a me fa male.

Signore, io sono tuo ... io sono tua figlia completamente ... e io ti amo con tutto il mio essere ... per sempre. Lo ti amo mio padre.
Per sempre tua figlia ... il tuo bambino e io stesso segno,
Tua figlia,

Monday, September 20, 2010

Una Lotta Alla Morte

L'oscurità di morte ha lavato sopra la mia anima ancora una volta~ posso non e darò non in esso nonostante la tentazione è forte. L'oscurità e condanna sono stato accusato di ha portato una presa ferma sul mio cuore e sarà una lotta alla morte di perdere la sua presa e ricupera una somiglianza di normalità di nuovo. Lei il congedo di naysayers sono.'s una lotta devo lottare solo. Poiché Dio è il mio testimone non lascerò questo ha prevalso me. ..I potrebbe essere atterrato, ma rifiuto essere stupito. ..what è nel mio cuore deve essere fuori strappato dalle molto radici per paura che ha steso come cancro e divora mio essendo molto. Così diminuire e prestare un sostegno di prayerful poiché lotto questa lotta di morte. Nessuno è entrato le mie scarpe. uno ha lottato gli stessi combattimenti esatti ho lottato e lotto ogni giorno. uno ma Dio ha la destra per giudicare. ..if appena qualche potrebbero essere sostenitori e non lo sproloquio ed il delirio della mia oscurità e la mia sorte, forse mi presterebbe abbastanza la forza per sconfiggere i demoni di morte e l'oscurità e la sorte per sempre e mai. ..Amen

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Living In Color & A Colorful, Wonderful Giveaway by Skye Hardwick

I know I said I would be gone for a while...and in my heart of hearts I do want to stay away from being online for a good long while until January...but we made some goals at our last SOARority Sisters Meetup on Tuesday and I promised I'd learn to live in color, dress in color again instead of just black all the time. I may not be successful at first, but I'm going to try!
(Street Graffiti Art from Richmond, California)
(These photos taken out the window of my car while at stop lights.)
So instead of staying away from the Internet, except for my classes, I'm going to try to do a study on color...color to live in...take colorful photos...maybe work on a color each week from now through the end of the year...
I'll find offers for things to do with photography and share them with all my photog here is the first of my tries for living in color as well as an exciting giveaway by Skye Hardwick. She is offering 1 free giveaway of her Workshop Workbook and a special of 1/2 of for those that want to purchase one if they are not the lucky winner ~ Here is the link for the giveaway:
Wishing you all luck in the contest.
The last day to enter is Friday, 9/16, at 11 p.m. PST.
Winner will be announced on her blog on
Saturday, 9/17, and this winner will only have  72 hours
to contact her to collect their prize.
See contest rules at the link above.
~ Cheers for Living In Color ~
(And for fabulous giveaways!)

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Missing You My Only Beloved Son

Missing You My Only Beloved Son
I am done for a while...I don't know how long,
but the protection and hibernation mode has set
in and I know it won't be lifted somewhat
until after the first of the year...
Too many memories, too much heartache,
too many lost dreams, too few days
with my only beloved son...
His dear sweet birthday is on
September 28, 1986
and the day he went missing was
December 2, 2005 very early in the morning
while on his way to work in the foothills
of Auburn, CA. For four awful days
we searched frantically for our only son,
with dogs, and helicopters and
detectives, the California Highway
Patrol and Roseville Police Department, 
Cal Trans workers and hundreds of family
and friends distributing and posting
fliers everywhere and anywhere they would
allow us to hang them......His disappearance
was broad-casted on several news channels
as they came to the Roseville Police
Department to hold a press conference
with us, his family...those days will forever
 live in infamy in my heart and mind.
Not a day goes by that I do not think
about how hard we searched for our son...
how we begged God to have mercy and
let us find him we offered to
give our lives in exchange for our
only beloved son....but it was all for naught...
our pleas went unanswered.
The result of that search is too awful
for words right now...I cannot repeat it
even once more....previous posts have
told the story, but I cannot tell it again.
I just want to state that it may be a while
before I post anything anywhere again until
after the first of the year. I will try, but I
cannot promise sorrow and
grief is too great to bear these last
four months of the year...
I love you Sweet William...with all of the
love a mother's heart can hold and then
some more. I long for the day when I will see
you again some sweet day...
it just can't be soon enough...
xoxoxoxo to heaven, special airmail express!
Forever 19, Forever Young...
Forever in our Hearts, Forever Will!

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Not Just September...Wake Me Up When December Ends

"Wake Me Up When September Ends"

For me should read...
"Wake Me Up When December Ends"...
If I could just go to sleep today and wake up
in January or perhaps not wake up at all...
Just fly away to whole family...
Just all of us fly away to heaven right now...
Life would be so much easier...
I miss my son so very much...
I miss his laughter and his
Beautiful, radiant smile...
I miss the perfect circle of our
Family...always together...
Hearts full of love...
I miss you Sweet William
My heart is broken...
Life can never, ever be the same again.
My desire is for all of us to
Be all together in Heaven...

Friday, September 03, 2010

Intoxicating Creativity

Ghost Tree Beach, 17 Mile Drive
"Ideas, Ideas, running riot in my head, make a
kaleidoscope of color & shape & texture...
Disintegrated are the rotting timbers of
apathy & indifference;
behold, the advent of divine inspiration,
motivated action, & intoxicating creativity."
© 2010 Susan Reynolds ~ The Digital Artist ~
Sleep has been impossible in this state of mind...
I MUST create something...I wonder what It will be?

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I Come To The Garden Alone...

My desire was to create a photograph to pair with
one of my favorite old hymns, "In The Garden".
This is such a beautiful song that has definitely weathered the test of time helping us to refocus...drawing us back to nature and the 'garden' where all 'life' began at the creation of man and 'New Life' began at the resurrection of Jesus Christ...
I know for myself that I can get so worried, allowing myself to become overwhelmed with all the problems and circumstances of everyday life that I find I need to take frequent visits to the garden where I find refreshment for my spirit and peace for my heart, my soul and my a visit with our Savior will inevitably do. 
I'd like to write out the words to this beautiful song written
by C. Austin Miles in 1912.

"In The Garden"

I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

He speaks, and the sound of His voice,
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

I’d stay in the garden with Him
Though the night around me be falling,
But He bids me go; through the voice of woe
His voice to me is calling.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

All Thy Waves & Thy Billows Are Gone Over Me

I know this is so much different from my last
post, but when my soul is overwhelmed...
Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.
"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.  My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?  My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you....Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and your billows have swept over me. 
By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"
My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
Psalms 42 (NIV)

Thursday, August 05, 2010


Nine Thousand Seven Hundred Fifty-Seven.
What do these numbers mean?
That is how many days (counting today & revising it
for the 7 leap years since 1983) that I have
been married. It's been over half of my life,
but then, getting married at just 19 gives us even more
years to spend together...and that makes me happy!
It will be 27 years this fall...and I love him more each
and every single day!
It is truly a blessing when you fall in love
with your best friend for the rest of your life!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

A Deep Blue Funk

"I am feeling blue, I am seeing blue...My soul must try to
create a masterpiece in blue to symbolize what my
mind is seeing, what my heart is feeling...I must try to
discover what my spirit is telling my inner artist to create."
When these words came to me...all I was seeing was blue. I was completely immersed in a Blue Funk. Blue in my mind, blue in my heart, blue in my soul and blue in my spirit. The music I was hearing even sounded blue to me.
Throughout the time I was reading and since I finished "A River Runs Through It & Other Stories" by Norman Maclean...and posted "Whispers From the Water", I decided then & there that I had to create something BLUE...
ALL BLUE. No other color would do but BLUE.
This posed a problem though...what could I find to signify the profound, deep hues of blue I was seeing in the darkness of the night? It was almost 3:45 in the morning when I started looking around the family room for something that was blue...the right kind of blue...a deep, rich, compelling blue with shadows of light and dark mixed in like the dark blue velvet of the night sky just before the sun fully sets. I could picture it so well in my mind, but here I was stuck in my home in the middle of the night...dark outside, mostly dark inside except for a small desk lamp and the light from my computer screen.
The light blue of the background from Windows 7 were annoying me, the sky blue of my lens cleaner cloth on the desk, the blue of a candle on top of the cabinet, the different shades of blue book covers in the library shelf, the cover of my current journal on the desk beside me, the blue light that was lit up on the "on" button of my smaller printer, the blue flashing on the wireless router for my internet, these last two were closer...but they just were not what I was seeing in my mind... the blues surrounding me were all wrong because they were so far from the deep, luxurious, elegant, royal blue that was saturating my mind & enveloping my very soul.
Then I happened to glance upward & there in the shadows on the top hutch of my desk was the original keychain that was given to us in the care basket that Denise brought to our home on Christmas Eve, about two weeks after our son's funeral service. (Denise is now a very dear friend of mine...she had lost her son in a similar car accident the year before & understood what we had gone through during those four days of searching & she had begun to reach out to newly bereaved parents. Because of her own loss, she started the Sean Sullivan Project in honor & loving memory of her own son, to minister & help bring hope & healing to other hurting families.)
The basket was filled with beautiful items, many were personalized with Will's photo & name, such as: a Christmas ornament, a license plate frame, candles, books on hope, a CD of comforting many beautiful things, & she had made a personalized keychain with William's picture on one side & a song I wrote on the other...She had gotten them from the Memorial Program we had made for William's service...I didn't even know she was there, but she had seen the search & on the news & found out from the newspaper when the service would be held.

The picture of Will on the front of the cover was the one she used for the keychain & in that picture he was wearing a deep, royal blue shirt. This was the blue I was seeing in my mind...but what could I find to match that color to begin creating  "Blue"?
Well, it was so hot here in my home, so I went in the kitchen to get a drink of water and there on my table, forgotten while at the computer in the family room, I saw my white ceramic pitcher filled to overflowing with the first cuttings of the darkest Blue Hydrangeas that I have ever seen....this was the color...these Blue Hydrangeas would be my subject.
The winter before last, I had gone to the nursery to find out what to feed my Hydrangea plants to make them blue, because while the Hydrangea is my favorite flower, (along with the Old English Roses) the blue ones are my I bought the product they recommended & followed the directions to apply it at the base of each plant 3 to 4 times during the dormant & early spring.
Well, I did that and more...about 5 or 6 times and used quite a lot of it because I wanted all of my hydrangeas to be blue in spring of 2009...well, I guess I gave them way too much because what I got was a lot of branch & leaf growth but just a very few pinkish, lavender blossoms. After what happened last winter & spring, I didn't give them any at all, and this year I was blessed beyond measure with literally loads of the deepest Blue Hydrangeas on all of my plants that I have ever, ever seen on any Hydrangea plant.
Two days prior to this night, I had cut a huge bouquet of them to fill the white ceramic pitcher on my kitchen table...I keep it filled with water until they are dry and crispy. They are gorgeous & very pretty when dried. I have vases of them in several rooms from prior years dryings.
But, here at last, my quest for the right kind of blue had ceased! Now, just to compose a masterpiece from these blue beauties.
I took a some raw file photos of the flowers in the vase, using no flash, a fluorescent white balance and an ISO of only the time I was done, it was beginning of first light.
Knowing there would be enough light to get photos outside without waiting for the sun to rise, I set the white balance to cloudy and snapped a lot more raw file photos from the live plants outside. On these the tiny little center flowers with the white stamens were still open and fresh without the signs of withering like on the bouquet on my table.
Then began the post was time to adjust the exposure, contrast, levels, sharpening, temperature, clarity, vibrancy, blacks, hue and saturation, dodging and burning...just like developing film in the darkroom during days gone by...only now we do it digitally on the computer.
I created several different versions and crops of a few of the photos and finally felt I'd reached my goal when I created the Blue Hydrangea At Midnight which is the first photo in my series of the blue streak on this post. This one was from the series I took in the kitchen under bright fluorescent lighting.
Another favorite is the second post the original "Pre-Dawn Blues"  unedited...taken outside at first light before the sun arose. The rest of them are basically just time spent experimenting with different filters and textures...but at last I'd found the Blue that matched perfectly with what I had written down so much earlier in the day...
"I am feeling blue, I am seeing blue...My soul must try to
create a masterpiece in blue to symbolize what my
mind is seeing, what my heart is feeling...I must try to
discover what my spirit is telling my inner artist to create."
                      © 2010 by Susan Reynolds ~ The Digital Artist
But even though I felt so blue and filled with despair...the scripture never ceases to uplift, " Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."
II Corinthians 1:3-4 (KJV)

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Whispers From The Water

My son, my son, my only beloved son...I sat outside in the darkness...listening to the sounds of the night...hearing water running in the backyard of our neighbor's fountain...seeing the stars glittering in the blackness of the night sky where no moon was considered apt for performing Shradh to honor the death of parents and relatives in the traditional Hindu religion...the death of my only beloved son. No, I am not Hindu, nor was I performing Shradh...I was just outside alone in the night thinking, meditating, praying and remembering the other dark nights...the ones we spent searching for you, my son.

Yesterday, I finished reading the book "A River Runs Through It And Other Stories" by Norman Maclean. Some things reminded me of you, William, but mostly it was the river...the water...picturing in my mind the ebb and flow of the light on the water such as it was the day I went up to Devil's Falls, and it made me think of the words by Norman Maclean as he stated, "Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of those rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs. I am haunted by waters."

I am not just haunted by the waters and the words that belong to them...but by what lay under the waters for four days waiting to be found, to be rescued...those waters certainly have words that belong only to them, though as your mum...I have a desperate need to know what your last words were as you struggled to get free...those words...they are mine, they do not belong to the river...they belong to me....and they will haunt me forever.

For now...just know that I love you forever and miss you desperately, William, my only beloved son. I love you with all of my mother's heart and soul...I wish you were still with us...I'd gladly give my life, my all to have you alive...but I wasn't given the for the rest of my life....I will listen closely for the Whispers From The Water...that someday they will become clear to me.