Thursday, February 18, 2010

My Soul Is Crushed Within Me R = Reality

I know this is a photography
blog that is supposed to be a journey
towards have not
made a u-turn...I have stopped to
face the pain that is crushing the
very life out of me right now...
I can do nothing more courageous
right now than face this horrendous
reality that William is truly gone...
He is gone from us on this earth.
It is that fatal Reality and awfulness
of it all that I must face and will not ease
the pain of losing my son...
but I will know that I had the courage
to look at this newspaper photo...
They never let me actually see the car...
Facing this photo is surely a
journey on the road to courage.
How could this be all that was
left of the car you were driving...
after they pulled it out of eight
feet of icy cold water at the
bottom of that ravine?
Your dad saw the car a few
days later and said it couldn't
even be recognized as a Camaro
because it was so crushed and
the top had been cut off to get
you out of the car...I can't even
begin to imagine your suffering
my own little precious son...
Dear God...Oh Dear God...
I wish this had never happened...
They wouldn't let your Dad or me
anywhere near the site and
we needed to be there...we
needed to help get our baby out...
but they wouldn't let us anywere
that was close to you.
The death-grip settled upon
our shocked hearts so tightly
as we waited hours for news
whether it was you or not...
Surely it couldn't be...yet
in our hearts the fear was
overpowering, suffocating us.
And then we heard word
for sure that you were
positively identified...
No...not my baby...not my
Sweet William...No...No...No...
You were too young to die,
especially in such an awful
tragic way...There had to
be some kind of mistake...
But there wasn' was our son.
It was you, our Sweet William...
Today 4 years, 2 months & 16 days
later from the day you went
missing while on your way to
work early on that stormy morning
December 2, 2005...and now
the pain rushes back with the
intensity of a raging unexpected
flash-flood that strikes out of
no where...the memories from that
freezing long night of waiting
for the dive team & rescue workers
to pull the car up to see what
was there...finality...after 4 long
heart-wrenching days
of searching with hundreds
of family & friends, detectives,
the CHP and helicopters...
for our only beloved son...
CalTrans workers, finally found
pieces of a blue car strewn
down the ravine....
after waiting to hear...while they 
wouldn't let us near the scene...
it was almost 4 hours later...
that we found out that for sure
on that awful night of Dec 5, 2005.
Dear God my heart hurts so badly
tonight...I am alone with only the
memories and pain of it all &
it is just crushing the very
life-breath out of me tonight.
I feel that I just cannot bear it...
yet I must face this horrific
pain and learn to be courageous
through it....I must learn to fight
the tendencies to hide-away in my
bed to numb my mind from
the shattering reality.
My only son...
I miss you so much...the pain
inside of me is unbearable...
It is smothering me....even now,
4 years, 2 months & 16 days later.
Yet I must learn to live with
this for the rest of my life...
Even when I still cannot believe
that horrible accident really
happened...This News 10 photo
proves it...and the articles &
televised news of the days you
were missing and with the
searching and rescue four days
later...four days too late to help...
If I seek beauty in the world
around me through my
photography....I must first
face the brutal reality
of this photograph...
because not all photography
tells a story of beauty or happiness.
Some photographs tell us
the story of tragedy & loss
such as the people of Haiti
face right now.
I must remember that
photography has no inhibitions...
it bypasses the restraints 
of speech...especially when
mere words cannot convey
what is felt in the heart.
Photography has no language speaks the same
language in every country of 
the preserve
for posterity, what has
happened in the world...
it records events that change
the lives of people everywhere....
Yet even though, I am facing
this photo of your tragedy,
I cannot believe you are really
truly gone from heart
won't believe still seems
you are just away on a
road trip on your street bike...
But I look out on the
back patio and there is your
bike and I weep and the
pain inside of me is unbearable...
We were such a close knit family...
like Charlotte told me the other
day...we had the perfect family
and then the accident had to
happen and ruined it all...
What are we going to do
without you Will??? Without
your radiant smile and your
crazy dances and your jokes
and just your being YOU???
Oh my dear God....
I can't do is too hard...
the they are
nightmares...are too real...
then I wake up and you are
not here in your bed...
it is empty...your room is still
and silent...the drums and
bass guitar...the keyboard lay
still and untouched just like
you left them...oh the
silence hurts....sometimes I just
go and lay on your bed and
weep as my mother's heart sees
 your silent instruments
and the silence is crushing...
My mother's heart is breaking
inside of me...I love you my
lil brown boy...from the day I
first new I was with child....
I've loved you so very much and
I miss you with my whole soul...
I can never, ever be the same
again...because a large part
of me died with you on that
awful dreaded tragic night
when you were finally found...
There is a hole in my heart
that is just your shape...
Oh my baby boy....what I
wouldn't give to have you back
again alive and whole and
safe and sound....why????
But I cannot question the
Almighty can heart is
just hurting...Do I dare to
put a question mark where
the Almighty God put a period?
I need answers, but they won't
come here on earth & when we
finally get to heaven, it won't
matter anymore. But for now,
I only want to hold
my lil brown boy in my arms
again and get another one of
your giant "boy-hugs" again...
you were so big and strong....
dear God how I miss
you my sweet William....
Forever loving you...
Forever missing your
smile and laughter
until we meet in heaven
once again....but, until then..
You are Forever in my Heart!
Always Loving You...Mumsy
xoxo to heaven
P.S. I'm trying to get back to
learning how to live again,
William...trying to pick up
the pieces and begin again,
because I know that's what you
would want me to's what
you would never let
anything get you were
always so happy and optimistic... I am, facing this photo
of my loss...and
asking God to help me be
courageous enough to begin
to learn to live again...yes,
in honor of you my precious son,
but also for your Dad and your
"big, little" sister, Charlotte...
They don't need any more tragedy
in their Dad needs
his wife back...and Charlotte
needs her mother back.
I love our little family so much...
I wish you were here...but
until then...I'll face my heartbreak
and learn from this how to
live again.
(This is our family's secret texting code for
I love you tons & bunches forever & ever.)
So, yes, true COURAGE for me is facing REALITY.


  1. Oh Susan, I wish I could hug you right now. I know too well that there is nothing I can say... but, what a wonderful reunion it will be someday!

  2. I cannot wait for that blessed day...until then Thank you for taking the time to not just read...but leave a comment too. I desire to keep my son's memory alive because the memories are all we have left.
    I grieve for my son like I never believed it possible to grieve for someone...My two children have always been the sunshine of my days...the stars in my night laughter and reason for beautiful children and my wonderful husband...the perfect little family...How we all miss William so very much.