Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Facing Fear...Stormy Nightmares & Rain-Soaked Flashbacks

Learning About COURAGE
One Letter At A Time
Since I chose the word "COURAGE"
as my one little word for 2010,
I will be using various ways of
discovering what it truly means to
have courage in my everyday life.
I will start by taking each letter
of the word courage, and find
a word starting with that letter
that indicates the true meaning
To Conquer in the sense that I
am using it, means to overcome
by physical, mental, emotional,
or moral force, to get the better of
one's adversary, to utterly defeat.
This year I seek to conquer fear
by learning to have courage
& be filled with determination
to conquer the things that hold
me down & keep me from
soaring on wings like an eagle.
My greatest example of Courage
is Christ on the Cross at Calvary.
He vanquished the enemy for all
time. It is now up to me to
conquer my fears by finding
the courage to
live, love, & laugh again.
So why did I take a picture of
rain to go with the word courage,
the letter C & the accompanying
word for C = Conquer?
Today, for the first time since my
son's tragic accident on that
stormy December morning, I
actually listened to the sound
of rain & running water. Since
that awful morning the sound of
running water &
rain which used to be such a
comfortable sound to me, now
brought only heart-rending
flashbacks during the day &
horrendous nightmares by night.
My mind was only connecting the
sound of rain & running water
with my son being trapped in his
car under eight feet of icy cold 
waters for four awful days while
we searched frantically for him...
Every time it rains, I try to shut
out the sounds of it with music
or by just hiding under the
pillows while the awful memories
tormented my heart & mind...
because I was unable to save
my babyboy...even though I
know it is unreasonable...I felt
I had failed him as a mother
by not being able to save him
from those horrible icy waters.
I began to literally hate the
sound of rain or running water.
Today, 1/20/10, as I write this,
I have my porch door by my
desk open wide...I have shut
off all music and even my
space heater that makes noise
under my desk...WHY???
I am making myself just listen
to the sound of the rain &
running water as it storms
outside today....It is falling
hard, cascading down from the
roof to splash on the ground 
running along the pavement,
collecting in puddles & running
beyond towards the street.
Then the rain began to compel
me, like it was taunting me,
daring me to come out into
the falling water-not just watch
& listen-but immerge myself
in its liquid cold grip. I thought
long & hard, deciding to rise
to the challenge, I took my
crutches & hobbled out into
the rain letting its cold icy water
mix with the warm tears that
stream down my face, soaking
my hair, my clothes, my skin.
I felt like it was penetrating to the
very depths of my broken heart.
 I look up towards heaven,
envisioning my son warm
safe in the arms of God, 
smiling & happy in heaven.
While standing in the rain &
listening to it pour down, my
mind was finally opened 
once more to the blessings of
rain & what it means to the
earth...the new life it gives to
fields, flowers, trees & crops.
Without rain we wouldn't have
the beauty & colors of flowers.
There would be no life without
rain & running water.
So, today for the first time
since December 2, 2005....I
can relate the sound of rain &
running water to represent life,
vitality & power, instead of it
holding just the crippling,
dreadful memory of my
only beloved son's death.
I am seeking to gain Courage
this year by striving to face
my fears one at a time.
In doing so, I am finding
beauty in the ashes & learning
Courage from the darkness of
that stormy December morning.
Yes, rain & running water will
probably always cause me to
get teary eyed...& occasionally
get the best of me, but by
opening not just the patio door
& forcing myself to watch &
listen to the rain...but to stand in it...
to let it's coldness soak into me...
I also opened the door of my grief,
for the first time, to accept the
healing rain of my Creator, to
feel the down-pouring of His
grace & mercy...that it might 
bring new life to my dry, parched
soul, beginning the journey to
heal my crushed & broken heart.
Ah, Yes...for me just watching...
listening to & feeling the
rain has been a lesson in
C = Conquer


  1. What a beautiful picture of courage & conquer.

  2. Thank you Ronda...This has indeed been a study in courage for me throughout this unusually heavy rainy season for us here in California.
    I couldn't face it for so long, but was determined this year to find the courage to do so. Thank you for taking the time to read and see the "picture" behind the story.