Facing Fear...Stormy Nightmares & Rain-Soaked Flashbacks

Learning About COURAGE

One Letter At A Time

Since I chose the word "COURAGE"

as my one little word for 2010,

I will be using various ways of

discovering what it truly means to

have courage in my everyday life.
I will start by taking each letter
of the word courage, and find
a word starting with that letter
that indicates the true meaning
of 
COURAGE.

C=CONQUER

To Conquer in the sense that I
am using it, means to overcome
by physical, mental, emotional,
or moral force, to get the better of
one's adversary, to utterly defeat.

This year I seek to conquer fear

by learning to have courage

& be filled with determination

to conquer the things that hold
me down & keep me from
soaring on wings like an eagle.

My greatest example of Courage

is Christ on the Cross at Calvary.

He vanquished the enemy for all

time. It is now up to me to

conquer my fears by finding

the courage to

live, love, & laugh again.

So why did I take a picture of

rain to go with the word courage,
the letter C & the accompanying
word for C = Conquer?

Today, for the first time since my
son's tragic accident on that
stormy December morning, I
actually listened to the sound
of rain & running water. Since
that awful morning the sound of
running water &
rain which used to be such a

comfortable sound to me, now
brought only heart-rending
flashbacks during the day &
horrendous nightmares by night.

My mind was only connecting the

sound of rain & running water

with my son being trapped in his

car under eight feet of icy cold 

waters for four awful days while

we searched frantically for him...

Every time it rains, I try to shut

out the sounds of it with music

or by just hiding under the
pillows while the awful memories
tormented my heart & mind...
because I was unable to save
my babyboy...even though I
know it is unreasonable...I felt
I had failed him as a mother
by not being able to save him
from those horrible icy waters.

I began to literally hate the

sound of rain or running water.

Today, 1/20/10, as I write this,

I have my porch door by my

desk open wide...I have shut

off all music and even my

space heater that makes noise

under my desk...WHY???

I am making myself just listen
to the sound of the rain &
running water as it storms
outside today....It is falling
hard, cascading down from the
roof to splash on the ground 
running along the pavement,
collecting in puddles & running
beyond towards the street.
Then the rain began to compel
me, like it was taunting me,
daring me to come out into
the falling water-not just watch
& listen-but immerge myself
in its liquid cold grip. I thought
long & hard, deciding to rise
to the challenge, I took my
crutches & hobbled out into
the rain letting its cold icy water
mix with the warm tears that
stream down my face, soaking
my hair, my clothes, my skin.
I felt like it was penetrating to the
very depths of my broken heart.

 I look up towards heaven,
envisioning my son warm & 
safe in the arms of God, 
smiling & happy in heaven.

While standing in the rain &

listening to it pour down, my

mind was finally opened 

once more to the blessings of

rain & what it means to the

earth...the new life it gives to

fields, flowers, trees & crops.

Without rain we wouldn't have

the beauty & colors of flowers.

There would be no life without

rain & running water.

So, today for the first time

since December 2, 2005....I

can relate the sound of rain &

running water to represent life,

vitality & power, instead of it

holding just the crippling,
dreadful memory of my
only beloved son's death.

I am seeking to gain Courage
this year by striving to face
my fears one at a time.

In doing so, I am finding
beauty in the ashes & learning
Courage from the darkness of
that stormy December morning.

Yes, rain & running water will

probably always cause me to

get teary eyed...& occasionally

get the best of me, but by

opening not just the patio door

& forcing myself to watch &

listen to the rain...but to stand in it...

to let it's coldness soak into me...

I also opened the door of my grief,
for the first time, to accept the
healing rain of my Creator, to
feel the down-pouring of His
grace & mercy...that it might 
bring new life to my dry, parched
soul, beginning the journey to
heal my crushed & broken heart.

Ah, Yes...for me just watching...

listening to & feeling the

rain has been a lesson in

COURAGE.

C = Conquer