Facing Reality...COURAGE (R = REALITY)

I need to clarify something about the

previous post. I am not looking for

sympathy or pity...almost everyone has

suffered a loss of some kind in their

lives. The object of my last post was

having the courage to face the

photograph that gave proof

of the REALITY of my own heartbreak

and how I am learning to face

it and in the process try to understand

how to live again...despite my heartbreak.

It has been a long 4+ years...and

the process will take many more.

I'm not giving up on life...just giving in

enough to allow myself to really feel the 

hurt and to process the pain, so that

eventually healing can come.

So now that I come to think of it,

after an email from another mother

that lost her daughter...yes...my word for

the letter R in COURAGE would have

to be REALITY...learning to face the

REALITY of that photo and the

REALITY of that tragic accident that

took away our only beloved son.

I must face REALITY instead of trying

to hide from it if I shall ever gain

True COURAGE.

Facing this REALITY has put me

under for almost three weeks. It is

truly a long, hard journey...down

this road called grief.

~ COURAGE ~

R = REALITY

My Soul Is Crushed Within Me R = Reality

I know this is a photography

blog that is supposed to be a journey

towards courage...no...I have not

made a u-turn...I have stopped to

face the pain that is crushing the

very life out of me right now...

I can do nothing more courageous

right now than face this horrendous

reality that William is truly gone...

He is gone from us on this earth.

It is that fatal Reality and awfulness

of it all that I must face and

conquer...no....it will not ease

the pain of losing my son...

but I will know that I had the courage

to look at this newspaper photo...

They never let me actually see the car...

Facing this photo is surely a

journey on the road to courage.

How could this be all that was

left of the car you were driving...
after they pulled it out of eight
feet of icy cold water at the
bottom of that ravine?
Your dad saw the car a few
days later and said it couldn't
even be recognized as a Camaro
because it was so crushed and
the top had been cut off to get
you out of the car...I can't even
begin to imagine your suffering
my own little precious son...
Dear God...Oh Dear God...
I wish this had never happened...
They wouldn't let your Dad or me
anywhere near the site and
we needed to be there...we
needed to help get our baby out...
but they wouldn't let us anywere
that was close to you.
The death-grip settled upon
our shocked hearts so tightly
as we waited hours for news
whether it was you or not...
Surely it couldn't be...yet
in our hearts the fear was
overpowering, suffocating us.
And then we heard word
for sure that you were
positively identified...
No...not my baby...not my
Sweet William...No...No...No...
You were too young to die,
especially in such an awful
tragic way...There had to
be some kind of mistake...
But there wasn't....it was our son.
It was you, our Sweet William...
Today 4 years, 2 months & 16 days
later from the day you went
missing while on your way to
work early on that stormy morning
December 2, 2005...and now
the pain rushes back with the
intensity of a raging unexpected
flash-flood that strikes out of
no where...the memories from that
freezing long night of waiting
for the dive team & rescue workers
to pull the car up to see what
was there...finality...after 4 long
heart-wrenching days
of searching with hundreds
of family & friends, detectives,
the CHP and helicopters...
for our only beloved son...
CalTrans workers, finally found
pieces of a blue car strewn
down the ravine....
after waiting to hear...while they 
wouldn't let us near the scene...
it was almost 4 hours later...
that we found out that for sure
on that awful night of Dec 5, 2005.

Dear God my heart hurts so badly

tonight...I am alone with only the
memories and pain of it all &
it is just crushing the very
life-breath out of me tonight.

I feel that I just cannot bear it...
yet I must face this horrific
pain and learn to be courageous
through it....I must learn to fight
the tendencies to hide-away in my
bed to numb my mind from
the shattering reality.
My son...my son...my only son...

I miss you so much...the pain

inside of me is unbearable...

It is smothering me....even now,
4 years, 2 months & 16 days later.
Yet I must learn to live with
this for the rest of my life...
Even when I still cannot believe
that horrible accident really
happened...This News 10 photo
proves it...and the articles &
televised news of the days you
were missing and with the
searching and rescue four days
later...four days too late to help...
If I seek beauty in the world
around me through my
photography....I must first
face the brutal reality
of this photograph...
because not all photography
tells a story of beauty or happiness.
Some photographs tell us
the story of tragedy & loss
such as the people of Haiti
face right now.
I must remember that
photography has no inhibitions...
it bypasses the restraints 
of speech...especially when
mere words cannot convey
what is felt in the heart.
Photography has no language
barrier...it speaks the same
language in every country of 
the world...photos preserve
for posterity, what has
happened in the world...
it records events that change
the lives of people everywhere....
Yet even though, I am facing
this photo of your tragedy,

I cannot believe you are really

truly gone from us...my heart

won't believe it...it still seems

you are just away on a

road trip on your street bike...
But I look out on the

back patio and there is your

bike and I weep and the

pain inside of me is unbearable...

We were such a close knit family...

like Charlotte told me the other

day...we had the perfect family

and then the accident had to

happen and ruined it all...

What are we going to do

without you Will??? Without

your radiant smile and your

crazy dances and your jokes

and just your being YOU???

Oh my dear God....

I can't do this...it is too hard...

the dreams...no they are

nightmares...are too real...

then I wake up and you are

not here in your bed...
it is empty...your room is still
and silent...the drums and
bass guitar...the keyboard lay
still and untouched just like
you left them...oh the

silence hurts....sometimes I just

go and lay on your bed and

weep as my mother's heart sees
 your silent instruments

and the silence is crushing...

My mother's heart is breaking

inside of me...I love you my

lil brown boy...from the day I
first new I was with child....
I've loved you so very much and
I miss you with my whole soul...
I can never, ever be the same
again...because a large part

of me died with you on that
awful dreaded tragic night
when you were finally found...
There is a hole in my heart
that is just your shape...
Oh my baby boy....what I
wouldn't give to have you back
again alive and whole and
safe and sound....why????

But I cannot question the

Almighty can I....my heart is

just hurting...Do I dare to
put a question mark where
the Almighty God put a period?
I need answers, but they won't
come here on earth & when we
finally get to heaven, it won't
matter anymore. But for now,
I only want to hold

my lil brown boy in my arms

again and get another one of
your giant "boy-hugs" again...

you were so big and strong....

dear God how I miss

you my sweet William....

Forever loving you...
Forever missing your
smile and laughter
until we meet in heaven
once again....but, until then..
You are Forever in my Heart!

Always Loving You...Mumsy

xoxo to heaven

P.S. I'm trying to get back to
learning how to live again,
William...trying to pick up
the pieces and begin again,
because I know that's what you
would want me to do...it's what
you would do...you never let
anything get you down...you were
always so happy and optimistic...
So...here I am, facing this photo
of my heartbreak...my loss...and
asking God to help me be
courageous enough to begin
to learn to live again...yes,
in honor of you my precious son,
but also for your Dad and your
"big, little" sister, Charlotte...
They don't need any more tragedy
in their lives....you Dad needs
his wife back...and Charlotte
needs her mother back.
I love our little family so much...
I wish you were here...but
until then...I'll face my heartbreak
and learn from this how to
live again.
ILYT&B4E&E
(This is our family's secret texting code for
I love you tons & bunches forever & ever.)
So, yes, true COURAGE for me is facing REALITY.
COURAGE
R = REALITY

The Rest Stop

I must take a break from courage....

One really cannot do that, I know,

I'm not making a U-Turn and going

the other direction...I'm just stopping

at a much needed  "rest-stop"

along the way. I've been burning

the candle (or the log) at both

ends and I just feel used up.

My soul is weary beyond belief...

the cares of life are overwhelming

me, the grief has flooded up again

and there is no strength today

to fight...at least not right now.

Giving up is not an choice.

Breaking down is out of the

question. Giving in is not an

option. I may have stopped

to rest a while and re-fuel

for the grueling journey ahead,

but I have not given up...

I'm just too tired right now

to press on...more later.

What Do U Do With a U When U Are Afraid To Be Looked AT?

What Do U Do With a U

When You're Afraid Others

Might See You Fail???
What Do U Do With a U
When it seems evil eyes are all
around waiting for U to mess up?

It's time to take the letter U out of

courage and see what can be attributed

to this letter that has anything to do

with courage. I've thought long & hard,

scoured the dictionary thoroughly &

found quite a lot of words that could

fit. But, which one will best fit my

journey to finding courage?

It's simple...it's three little letters

U = USE

I need to learn to USE the gifts that God

has given me. I need to believe that He

gave special talents to me for me to USE

& not 'hide them in the earth' so to speak.

I need to understand & believe that I am

unique as an individual with a special

 purpose in life that no one else can fulfill. 

I need to realize that it is ultimately up to

 me to make use of these gifts, to learn not

 to care who is watching & waiting for 

me to fail, because those type of people

will always be out there, so I must  

learn to overcome my fear of failure, 

& put myself out there leaning on the

unfailing arms of my Heavenly Father

to keep me from falling....I must learn

to believe in what God entrusted 

to me...I need to USE the gifts that 

He so willingly bestowed upon me. 

My past does not matter...it cannot 

make me fail unless I allow it to.

For the first time in my life, I feel the

urgency in my soul to truly USE every

talent, every gift that God has given me.

Because...

"To not use the talent that God

has given us is to abuse it."

Quote © 2009 Susan Reynolds

So for me it will indeed be a journey

towards courage while learning 

every day to use the gifts that I have

been so graciously blessed with. 

I need to quit being afraid of who

might be watching and just USE it!

The U in COURAGE?

U = USE
So Look All U Want...
Stare Me down...but I won't
back down. Why?
Because I will be USING the
courage God is building in me.

© 2010 Susan Reynolds

The Digital Artist

 

Taking The "O" Out Of Courage

Taking the "O" out of Courage

Using the letter "O" from the word

courage took me a bit of time.

I had to submit to the C=Conquer so

many times in the past few weeks,

that I lost sight of almost everything
else....So, now, I am back...gaining
momentum & picking up where
I left off on my quest for courage
through the study of each letter that
makes up the word

COURAGE

O=One-Way

Yes, it is a hyphenated word, and

folks may wonder what in the world

One-Way has to do with courage,

but I feel that it best fit my take for

the letter O. In the dictionary,

One-Way means:

a. moving or allowing movement in one

direction only (such as a one-way street)

b. valid for travel in one direction only

(as in a one-way ticket)

c. not intended for return

(as in an object not intended to return

to the giver/seller/dealer)

I chose "ONE-WAY" instead of words

like overcome, optimism, opportunity,

because for me this year HAS TO BE

a "ONE-WAY" JOURNEY on the road

of learning to have courage.

I can't take the ground I've gained

thus far and "Return To Sender"

because that would give the enemy

of my very soul the victory.

The road to courage is indeed a

One-Way ticket & there is

no turning back at all if I am

to reach my destination called

courage...I must

stay on the One-Way street.

I've made the U-Turn that was

necessary to get me going back in

the right direction. Now that I am on

that "One-Way" Street to courage,

I cannot allow obstacles to stand

in my way...I must overcome them

one at a time. I must embrace

this new opportunity to become

more open with others...to not

become obscure & obsolete,

trying to hide myself when the

physical pain or heartbreak is just

too much to bear. Why???

Because in this world, just a small

word of encouragement or one act of

kindness has the ability to change the

outlook for someone going through

a hard time. It may be someone I do

not even know. So by coming out in

the open to share my "One-Way"

journey to find courage, it is my

hope & prayer to reach out &

touch the lives of others...that they,

too, may find hope, healing, and

help in the time of need.

COURAGE

O=ONE-WAY