Doing The Deeper Work

Photography Challenge from the SOAR Forum form January, 2010.

It's taken this long for me to get up the nerve to do this because I must say this was indeed a challenge as I'm far more comfortable behind the lens than in front of it.
My self-portrait: This was completed using just the light from one candle. I used the dark colors and minimal lighting, because that is the way I feel more comfortable - in black, in the darkness, away from others, alone with my intense emotional grief and very real physical pain.

I've pretty much stayed home since my car accident in March 2007, except for doctor appointments and such unless my husband or daughter is with me.

I've been "in hibernation mode" since my son's car accident in December of 2005, thus the significance of the heart pendant necklace with my son's picture on it.

Being put on disability in '07 after my own accident, which also caused me to lose a the best job I ever had, having to stay at home...alone more than ever, has caused me to become a recluse. I am very self-conscious, have always had very poor self-esteem and also have a lot of self doubt about my photography skills...let's just say those negative voices are never quiet in my mind.

After taking the leap of faith and participating in the SOAR Scholarship in December of 2009, I made a pact with myself to try and learn how to live again...to come out of the darkness of that horrible black depression since my son's death, and try to step back into the light of day....while conquering my fears of failure, learning to embrace courage and quit being a recluse. I'm headed in the direction of the light - to escape the darkness that surrounds and suffocates me...and believe me when I say, it has been a difficult journey, but a necessary one. I need to find a "new normal" since nothing can be the same after losing my only beloved son ~ He would want me to get out of this darkness and into the light...this is my goal in 2010 - to gain the courage to learn to live again.

My object: An old battered trunk, bound with heavy chains and secured with a heavy lock...but also there is a key there that can open the trunk. This photo is also shrouded in darkness.

To me it represents how I have had so much tragedy in my life, in addition to the heart-breaking loss of my son...that I feel as if I am bound up by heavy chains in a very dark place. Not only is my life being smothered by the shut-in feeling, but the lock and chains feel like it has my creativity  stifled while my desire to do things other than hide from the world in my heartache and pain, was lost forever, when we buried our 19 year old son.

Yet, I believe and am hoping that the significance of the key in the photo is showing me that there is a method of escaping the locked in feeling. I just need to be strong enough to pick up that key, put it in the padlock and turn it so that lock may be opened, the chains can fall away and I can be free of the things from my past that have held me down....If I can just get that to that key and unlock the chains....I will have the opportunity to reach for my dreams and soar like an eagle.

Later today (since it's already tomorrow (12:39 a.m.)

I will be continuing on with my studies of the word, COURAGE,

dissecting it letter by letter in my quest to find what it really means to have true courage in my new journey towards living again.

© 2010 Susan Reynolds ~ The Digital Artist

P.S. This was an especially insightful experience since we used this Photography Exercise for our first meeting of the

SOARority Sisters of Central California, learning what our photos looked like and how they made others think and feel about what they saw in the pictures.