Sunday, March 14, 2010

Abolishing And Annihilating Anger

Learning to find courage is a long and
difficult process for me. The last
two segments on using the R in courage
for reality and facing the reality of what
really happened put me out of commission
for a long while. I've still not quite yet
recovered and don't know if I ever will.
But facing the reality of it all also means
facing the anger that came with
William's accident...the lies people told
about him, the injustice of it all, the
CHP officer that did not stop him when
he stated clearly in the news report that
the car was weaving & that he called in
for another officer to check it out....
For goodness sakes, what are officers of
the law for if not to pull over weaving
drivers? He could have been having a
seizure, a heart-attack, a stroke, or
anything, but he had only fallen asleep
at the wheel, but the CHP officer
did nothing....NOTHING to stop him. 
If he son would still be 
alive today. (Someday, maybe I will 
have the courage to find the officer 
who did nothing & ask him why????) 
By the time the second officer was
dispatched there was no sign of the blue
Camaro...of course only son was
already submerged under 8 feet of icy
cold water in a December storm - where
he was the whole time during the four
heart-wrenching days of searching.
Talk about anger....My heart is exploding
with anger as I write these words...
especially when I get asked if he was on
drugs or drinking at the time?
NO! NO! NO! NO!NO...
William was not drunk or on drugs...
He had never, ever been in to those vices.
My son was a health freak...all they found
in his stomach was oatmeal and banana.
So much for the drug and alcohol theory.
The toxicology screens were all negative...
So there, it's out there for the world
to see whether they want to acknowledge
it or not....whether they want to believe
lies or the truth.
I had to delete the original part of this post
that was in the place of this bold print
due to causing only more of the 
deepest heart-ache I have ever known
and causing me to digress back
into the depths of blackness
of such intense anger and despair yet again.
So I will continue leaving out the original paragraph.
William had merely fallen asleep at the wheel
on his 45 minute long journey to work after
putting in 3 intense hours of working out 
at 24 Hour Fitness late the night before,
 after working his regular full 
time job that day
on top of his college classes.
The anger is so great at times that I know
without a doubt, I MUST
face it and rid myself of it because anger
is like a poison...a cancer that eats away
at you until you are left withered & dead inside,
with nothing but anger to offer the world,
which is in such need of peace and harmony.
So for me....The A in COURAGE represents
Anger - Abolishing That Anger
before it Annihilates me in its
quest to destroy our family through
this disaster.
But, in the mean-time...I am trying
hard to live for my beautiful daughter,
Charlotte & my wonderful husband, Matt.
They have had enough tragedy in their
lives....of this I know only too well.
I love you two with all of my heart and soul

...and to my William in
Heaven....I wish I could hug you again
and tell you how very much I love you
and always will ~ I am forever proud to
be called your Mum....xoxo to you
in Heaven, Sweet William.
© Susan Reynolds


  1. Dear Susan, Your blog and photography has really touched my heart. I have four sons and thankfully after much turmoil in our lives I feel blessed to say that thus far I have not suffered the same tragedy that you have of losing a child. My sons are 18 - 27. After reading this post however it brings to mind how concerned I am about my oldest boy. He reminds me so much of your son. He is beautiful, has a wonderful spirit, is A very hard worker and very health conscious. He is a dad to three little ones and cares for them on his own 1/2 time. He also works three jobs including two in law enforcement and also works out. He travels very far distances back and forth to work. I don't rest well until I know he is home. The pressures of the world drive him to burn the candle far beyond humanly possible and I often pray for his safe return home. My heart goes out to you. Denise Howard Pederson is a friend of mine and has brought much awareness to so many about child loss. There is nothing in this world that could possibly rip your heart out more than to lose a child. Please say a prayer for my son, Josh for his safety in his line of work and also that his exhaustion will not be the thing that he loses his life over. You and your family are in my thought and prayers. It doesn't matter how long it has been since you have lost a child the pain and the questions remain. Blessings to you! Bronwyn

  2. Susan, Right after I posted the above comment I talked to my son, it looks like one of his jobs will soon be full time so he hopefully soon his life will be calming down and not so many sleepless nights and more rest.

    I wanted to comment on your photography as well. I really enjoyed looking at your gallery. Your work is excellent. I too am a photography though not professional as of yet. Your work is very reflective. Enjoyed viewing your wonderful photographs.

    Your writing is also are obviously a woman of many God Given talents. Creativity in all it's forms is such a wonderful outlet.

    Blessings, Bronwyn

  3. Dear Mountain Mom,
    Thank you so much for taking the time to browse through my is one way for me to wade my way through the many feelings and grief that has become a part of my life.

    I will indeed pray for your sons and am so glad to hear that your son Josh's job will become full-time. I understand only too well your worries of your children. No matter how hold they get, we will always worry about them.

    Thank you for your compliments and kind words on my writing and photography. I've never had any professional training ~ only taken some classes online from They have helped me to learn more about what I love to do...those online classes and A LoT of photography books!

    I'm going to take a peek at your blog and would like to invite you to a photography group I started for women after participating in the Me Ra Koh Scholarship in December of '09. You can check it out if you like and maybe even join. Here is the link: